Pompous Branding Guru Alter Ego of Dave

Dave is a branding guru from the Valley. In fact, the name “Valley” wouldn’t exist without the “a”, the “v,” and the “e” from Dave. Additionally, we can’t even count the number of characters named Dave in modern books, movies, and TV programs that must have been based upon Dave; in fact, some even existed before Dave was born and were clearly prophetic. Away from the office Dave is the founder of the National Fixed Gear Cycling Association (NFGCA), a group limited to those that prefer to make their lives difficult with a single gear and can balance at a stop light without touching the ground for at least 30 seconds while maintaining a smug look on their face as if they are defying physics. He also travels the world in his duties as a master judge of mustache competitions, specializing in the category that makes the owner look like a serial killer from the 1970’s via a thin line of arm-pit’ish hair on the upper lip. He does his best work while receiving fish pedicures and believes the fish inspire the manifestation of great brand names. [for the record… if you have no sense of humor or sarcasm, this profile is 100% false]

Hipster Branding Agency Alter Ego of Tonya

Tonya is a skilled name researcher with a side gig knitting beanie caps and holsters designed to hold a bespoke pocket thesaurus she crafts on home made paper and prints using antique typesetting tools traced back to the printing of the Declaration of Independence. The knitting yarn is homespun of shedded cat hair. Her naming inspiration often comes just before passing out due to dehydration and sweat loss from wearing a beanie cap on humid summer days. She is often listed in indie magazines as the top avocado toast photographer in the Polaroid media category. [for the record… if you have no sense of humor or sarcasm, this profile is 100% false]

 

Pretentious Product Namer Alter Ego for Mark

Mark has been ranked as the number one naming technologist in the world by the Naming Tech Ezine, a publication he produces on his authentic Apple-1 computer. He trains carrier pigeons to deliver the publication via floppy disc, and designed an app to confirm delivery using GPS integrated into the NextDoor platform. His best branding thought leadership occurs with an oversized pipe hanging from his jaw and a drop of homemade patchouli essential oil behind each ear. In his free time he enjoys mixing underwater whale calls into classic big band songs. He always chooses suspenders over belts, and bow ties over regular ties. He was a Vespa enthusiast until an unfortunate collision with a three-legged possum. [for the record… if you have no sense of humor or sarcasm, this profile is 100% false]

 

“Only Dog in the World” Alter Ego of Red

Red is the original inventor of “story based” marketing associated with the concept of the hero’s journey and the guide. Other brand gurus have tried to take credit for Red’s work but he keeps a printout of a 1996 AOL bulletin board discussion in a safe deposit box proving he is the originator. In his free time he lobbies for the passage of laws preventing dogs from being forced to wear NFL jerseys or have painted toenails. He has come up with his best brand names after delusional periods associated with eating week old street meat and rabbit poop. [for the record… Red denies eating rabbit poop, but will admit a love of rolling in it]